“WTF Happened?”

For the Partner who wants to Understand Postpartum.

First, congratulations on your new bundle of joy! This is an exciting time, but also exhausting and, let’s be honest- pretty confusing. Since bringing your baby home, your partner seems different- more snippy, distracted, less patient. You sneeze or cough, and she’s on high alert. You might be wondering WTF happened? 

Well, a lot just happened (which I’ll break down for you) and the person you knew before the baby? She’s still in there. She just needs time-and your support- to feel like herself again. I wish I had this for my husband to read when we brought our baby home for the first time. I think it could have made my transition into motherhood a lot less turbulent. 

The Science-y Part (It’s important, trust me) 

When your partner delivered her placenta, she also lost a ton of hormones-specifically estrogen and progesterone. These hormones help to regulate mood, so the sudden drop can leave her feeling very low. In the postpartum world, we call this the Baby Blues, a temporary period (about two weeks max) when a new mom may feel more emotional, irritable, or weepy.  This is super common- about 80% of moms experience it. So, for now, you may need to master the art of sneezing in silence…just kidding (kind of). 

If she’s dealing with ‘baby blues’, she might cry more, say things, “I feel like crying but I don’t know why”, or may seem quieter than usual. And here’s the thing-many new moms struggle to express how they really feel because they fear being judged. Thanks to society’s unrealistic expectations on motherhood, she may be holding in more than you realize. A great way to connect- ask her what she expected motherhood to look like- you wont regret asking. 

The Birth Experience Matters

How your partner gave birth plays a huge role in how she’s feeling now. If her labor was scary, unexpected, or far from what she hoped for (emergency C-section, assisted delivery, etc.) she may be processing a lot of emotions-while running on zero sleep! Even if you were right there with her, it doesn’t mean you fully understand what she went through. Ask her about her birth- “What do you remember?” or “How did you feel?” She likely wants to share her story, but her feelings of shame and guilt may be holding her back. Shame and guilt can bully us in that way… 

Breastfeeding 101

Breastfeeding isn’t always as “natural” as people make it seem-especially if the baby struggles to latch. If your partner is wincing in pain, holding her chest, or mentioning how full and heavy her breasts feel, she may be dealing with engorgement- aka, painfully overfilled breasts. And let me tell you, it’s not pleasant.  

If breast milk is not released, the build up can lead to mastitis, a painful infection in the milk ducts. Think fever, chills, body aches, and next-level pain. If she’s struggling, remind her she’s not failing-this stuff is hard. Offer to bring her a warm compress, help her look up a lactation consultant, or help contact her OBGYN who can prescribe immediate antibiotics if she has developed mastitis. Another way to help is to be a listening ear- it can make a world of a difference for her. 

Let’s talk Matrescence (A.K.A Motherhood’s version of Adolescence) 

Becoming a mother is one of the biggest identity shifts a woman will ever go through. In fact, there’s a term for it- matrescence. Yup, becoming a mother is sort of like hitting adolescence but 1000x more intense. Hormones, body changes, emotional ups and downs, a whole new worldview- it’s all happening at once. Right now, you have an emerging teen in the house, except this one is also keeping a baby alive while figuring out her new role as a mom. 

She will adjust, but she needs you to walk beside her while she does. Yes, you’re going through changes too, learning how to be a new parent while supporting her and the baby. But keep in mind-she gave birth. And that changes everything. 

Sleep Deprivation- The #1 Culprit 

Sleep deprivation during postpartum may be the #1 contributing factor to impact a new mom’s mood. Let’s face it- we need sleep for survival. If we are running on empty we are more likely to be agitated, quieter, slower, more distracted and truthfully- not the nicest to be around.  You may be feeling sleep deprived yourself! Think about how you have felt in the past few days? Not your best self maybe. 

Sleep deprivation is very common in the early weeks and months of postpartum and there are things to help with that. Together you can talk about a sleep plan- taking over different shifts in the night, if expenses allow it, hiring a night nurse, or having family members help in the early mornings so you both can get some extra zzzz. Sleep is vital, no matter the plan you choose. Just because sleep deprivation is common with a newborn, does not mean we let it run its course. Research has shown a strong correlation between chronic sleep deprivation and depression in new parents. 

Postpartum Depression or Postpartum Anxiety 

One out of five women in the US will suffer from either Postpartum Depression or  Postpartum Anxiety. These disorders can happen anytime after birth. It’s important to learn the symptoms of each to know when it’s time to seek professional support. 

Symptoms of PPD (postpartum depression) are frequent crying, feeling sad, low motivation to get out of bed or do pleasurable things, negative self talk about herself, extreme changes in sleep and appetite, and not wanting to interact with the baby. If you feel like your partner is exhibiting any of these symptoms, get her support immediately. Postpartum Depression does not go away on its own. You can contact Postpartum Support International HelpLine 1 800 944 4773 where you can be connected to the appropriate perinatal resources for you and your partner. 

Symptoms of PPA (postpartum anxiety) are increased worry either about the baby's safety or her own safety, extreme changes in appetite or sleep, racing thoughts, constantly feeling on edge or highly anxious, not able to sit still, and feelings of anger or rage. 

PSI (Postpartum Support Internation)

Postpartum Support International HelpLine is a valuable resource to use if you suspect your partner is exhibiting any of the symptoms above. I also encourage you to ask her how she’s feeling to give her the space to share any of these symptoms if they are occurring. Some of these symptoms are ‘silent’ and hard to see. 

I hope this shed some insight and understanding into your partner’s postpartum and see her with new eyes. Don’t take her reactions personal-even if they sting. She loves you and she too, may not fully understand how to navigate her new feelings and sensations. Be patient, have compassion and find her support if needed. 

For Connecticut Parents

If you want to learn more about me and how I support Connecticut postpartum couples & women, you can visit www.wellnesspcounseling.com. If you live in CT and are looking for support navigating postpartum or motherhood, reach out to wellnesspcounseling@gmail.com and I’d be happy to provide a free consultation.